Lost Tales of the “Three Kingdoms” Era

Which are both real and not made-up.

1.

Liu Bei was making breakfast when 40,000 cavalry arrived, led by Yang Ci, a man of great ambition and a personal friend of Cao Cao. “Surrender your gold or die!” said Yang Ci.

Guan Yu strolled out of his tent. “Let’s be reasonable,” said the great strategist. “We’ll settle this with a one-on-one duel. Winner takes all.” Yang Ci agreed.

At this point Zhang Fei was supposed to appear, but no one had told him about the battle so he was still asleep. He was having a dream about crispy fried pork, and it was delicious. He was not happy about being woken up. He managed to administer fifty-three lashes to his attendant before Guan Yu had a chance to explain: “We need you to fight Yang Ci, a man of great ambition and a personal friend of Cao Cao.”

“I hate him already,” replied Zhang Fei, donning his armor. “I wish I’d heard of him years ago so I could have killed him as a child.”

The two warriors mounted their horses. As for their clash, the poet spoke truly who said:

The axe splits wood
Lightning sunders rock
When Zhang Fei’s blade fell
Everyone felt it in their kidneys

Yang Ci toppled headless from his horse. The rest of the army ran away, which enraged Zhang Fei because he’d really been looking forward to killing them.

But right then, Liu Bei announced that breakfast was ready, so everyone forgot about the whole thing.

2.

“Let’s have a tea party,” said Zhuge Liang.

“But Cao Cao’s forces are massed outside our gates!” exclaimed his second-in-command, Zhou Yu.

“You’re missing the point,” said Zhuge Liang. “This is a special pu’erh that only grows on one mountain in all China — and it only blooms once every ten years. A refusal to savor it would be a grievous offense against Heaven.”

“They’ve got us surrounded,” commented Zhou Yu nervously. “And they’re lighting a lot of fire arrows.”

“Relax!” said Zhuge Liang. “Look, the water’s just slightly boiling. This is the perfect temperature to start steeping the leaves.”

“Cao Cao’s forces have now completely encircled the city!” Zhou Yu announced, bowing low. “With great respect, I plead for the opportunity to defend my life, and the lives of our men!”

Zhuge Liang laughed. “I wish Sun Tzu had written more about tea. He would’ve known how to handle this pu’erh, that’s for sure.”

“Very well,” said Zhou Yu, despairing. “I accept that today, our lives will end here on this spot. I may as well have some of that tea.”

“That’s the spirit!” said Zhuge Liang, and poured him a cup.

While they sipped their tea, a wind picked up. Cao Cao’s archers launched their fire arrows, but the wind spun them around so they all shot each other. The enemy died screaming by the thousands, yet not a single person in the city was harmed.

“That’s the other thing about this tea,” said Zhuge Liang. “On the day it’s ready to drink, a special circular wind blows out of the north, always arriving at this specific location during teatime. I’ve always wanted to see it for myself.”

Zhou Yu took another sip. It really was extraordinarily good tea.

3.

Lü Bu was upset because he was overdressed.

He’d spent all morning picking out a robe of deepest crimson, damasked with an intricate pattern of dancing dragons. His hair was gathered into a gold clip engraved with a delicate cloud design, and his leather belt had a tastefully subtle matte finish. His armor was carved from ivory and jade, and even his boots were color-coordinated to match his poleaxe.

“Stop pacing like that!” Dong Zhuo thundered. “Your armor clanks like a whole army on the march. Why are you girded up, anyway? There’s no battle today.”

“Surely there must be an execution scheduled,” said Lü Bu.

“Nobody’s tried to assassinate me for two whole days,” said Dong Zhuo. “It’s a new record. No conspiracies, no slander, no complaints. No reason to chop anyone’s head off. Why don’t you go for a hunt or something?”

“In this?” Lü Bu cried, gesturing at his spectacular ensemble.

“The problem with you,” said Dong Zhuo, “is that you don’t have any hobbies besides murdering people. Me, I occupy my time with a diverse range of pursuits, such as feasting, drinking, and letting concubines attend to me.”

“I’m going to ride straight out that gate,” said Lü Bu, “and I’m going to challenge the first person I see to single combat.”

“Why do you always do this?” cried Dong Zhuo.

“Do what?” asked Lü Bu. “What am I doing?”

“Ruining a nice relaxing day!” screamed the emperor. “How often do we get a day like this? Tomorrow we’ll be up to our necks in carnage again, and all I ask is one calm, murder-free afternoon. Please?”

“My armor is ivory and jade,” Lü Bu pouted.

“I know.” Dong Zhuo wrapped his adopted son in a paternal embrace, as best he could around the spiky armor. “Come on, sit down. Let’s have some wine. Servant! Is the wine hot?”

The servant gulped. “We’ve had to send down for another bottle of wine. I dropped the first one and broke it, but it won’t be a moment — ”

“You broke a bottle from the royal winery?” Dong Zhuo howled. “I’ll break your spine, you worthless ape — !”

But Lü Bu was already on his feet, poleaxe in hand, looking fabulous and ready to kill. “I beg the honor of delivering Heaven’s justice,” he said.

“Not on your life,” said Dong Zhuo. “This one’s mine.”

And that was the time that Lü Bu and Dong Zhuo learned that they could not, in fact, go so much as a single day without violently murdering someone.